Here We Go Again…A Terminal Case of Baby Envy Part II

So, pregnancy number 2 proved to be non-viable. I spent a lot of time angry and hurt, blaming myself, blaming David, blaming God. When we were given the “okay” to try again, my heart wasn’t in it. I was afraid. But, we wanted more children.

I had friends who struggled with infertility. I saw the envy in their eyes when they saw a baby. Though I had never gone through all the testing and treatments they had gone through, I was beginning to understand the emotions they experienced each time another friend announced they were expecting, every time a new baby was within reaching distance to be held.  Secondary infertility (infertility that occurs after having a child on your own) is just as devastating as primary fertility. Perhaps it might be even more damaging to your self-esteem. After all, you achieved pregnancy once without help and now there was something “wrong” with you and you couldn’t do it again.

We decided to forgo Clomid treatment after doing some research and learning that Clomid can be a factor in ectopic pregnancies. We didn’t want to risk that again. Back to temperature charting, etc. One day, I woke up and felt the familiar nausea that comes with pregnancy. But, I was too afraid to take a test. I would wait. That was around Thanksgiving of the same year we had the ectopic pregnancy. I miscarried about a week and half later during my office Christmas party. I was pretty sure I knew what happened. A pregnancy test the next morning confirmed a positive pregnancy. I shared this with Dr. Brown and blood work began. Within 2 weeks, we knew that yes, it had been a miscarriage. I got the confirmation from our midwife, Darlanna, at the office. It was almost Christmas. I couldn’t take it. Two lost pregnancies in a year. What was wrong with me. I knew it was time to ask for help and asked Darlanna if I could have an antidepressant. I couldn’t cope any more. The entire year had revolved around pregnancy and here we were, not pregnant again.

We decided to keep this miscarriage to ourselves. We had seen the devastation that my parents experienced during the ectopic trauma and couldn’t bear to put them through another “loss”. We bore the pain of this loss alone. That was the wrong thing to do. No one knew and had our family and best friends knew, it would have been much easier to bear.

Surely, we were to have more children. But when, how?

 

Katie was about 4 years old in this picture

Katie was about 4 years old in this picture

A friend offered a solution. “Why not adopt?” She knew what we were feeling (though she didn’t know at the time about the 2nd lost pregnancy.) She suffered from primary infertility and had adopted two children from another country. She gave us extensive details of their adoptions, cost and everything. It was not an option. It was more money than Dave and I could possibly come up with.

During this time, I had allowed myself to stray away from God. After all, why would he let me go through this heartbreak? He couldn’t possibly love me or I wouldn’t be going through all this. I found excuses not to attend church. I gave up my daily prayer time…after all, it seemed He wasn’t listening. I was hurt beyond words, beyond what any mortal man could possibly do to comfort me, and yet I allowed myself to forsake the one who could comfort and heal me.  I finally came to my senses and began searching the Word for some sort of comfort and peace.

Psalms 121 became my theme. “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.  He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.  Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.   The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.   The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.  The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.” (KJV)

He was with me…I had just pushed Him away. I started to draw closer to Him and began to trust that if we were to have more children, He would allow it to happen.

We just needed to wait and see what God would do next.

(To be continued….)

♥Miriam

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